1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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