So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
