I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
