every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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