Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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