Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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