Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I could fuck to npr.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
