maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
