Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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