I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
