We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
