Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I party with great urgency now.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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