im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
