Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
