69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
These tits shall not be calmed
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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