I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
