Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
