I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
