He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
