I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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