What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
