I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
