Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
