If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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