My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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