Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Four minutes until I can fart!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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