It's Friday. Sex?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
