I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
