I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize
