Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
