tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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