ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
