Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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