When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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