i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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