He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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