her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
