proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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