Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I've blown a few things in my day
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
