Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
