My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
