you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
