she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
