Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
