i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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