I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
