I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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