He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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