i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
