Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
