Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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