The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
we're so committed to being not committed
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
