Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
