Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
