You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
