I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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