I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
